Continued from below…
- When I was 18 I saw a very inconspicuous job advert for a receptionist role at a small, privately owned business. I rocked up for the interview at the provided address which was a decrepit, pink house in an industrial area. As I entered the building, this older, sleazy man was exiting and said to me with a suggestive grin, whilst looking me up and down “are you the new girl?” It was a brothel.
- In primary school, my friend and I had a genius idea to buy a book of raffle tickets from Woolworths and go door knocking to sell them for a fake fundraiser for our school. We then took all the money we made and spent it on junk food. Yep, we had committed fraud before even growing boobs.
- I like carbs more than I like a lot of people.
- When I was in college, I used to catch an evening bus regularly which had a smoking hot bus driver. As my stop was only half way on the route, there were always still a lot of people on the bus when I got off. Over several weeks, I plotted to pretend to fall asleep on the bus one night, hidden at the back so the driver couldn’t see me and ‘wake up’ and tell him I’d fallen asleep when we got to one of the outer suburbs. By then, most of the other passengers would have gotten off and we’d have time to talk in private. It totally worked. And he drove me all the way home, to my front door in his bus because he didn’t want me to wait for another bus in the dark! What a sexy, sexy hero.
- My friend’s kindly, elderly grandfather slapped me on the butt once at her birthday party. So. Fucking. Awkward. And. Also. Gross. And. Wrong.
- I once projectile vomited on a crowded dance floor and when the bouncer came to kick me out, I somehow managed to convince him that it was the wasted (but innocent) chick next to me and he kicked her out instead.
- A colleague had a muffin in the freezer at work and I asked him if I could have it, to which he replied ‘no’. I then hid the muffin at the back of the freezer to see if he would forget about it. Several weeks later it was still there so I ate it – he’d forgotten all about it so I totally earned it.
- I once ran into a girl I worked with years ago and pretended I didn’t remember her. This bitch once stole and processed the payment of a customer I spent 10 minutes helping during an internal store promotion (whoever served the most customers that week would win a prize). Jokes on her though, I remember her full name, where her parents live and I’m pretty sure her brother tried to sell me drugs in Civic once.
- One evening, I drunkenly hooked up with a former work colleague in the back of a taxi where I mortifyingly fondled his nipple the entire time. We literally never spoke of it again.
- I feigned a short lived obsession with roast chicken so I could start talking and subsequently befriend a hot deli guy at my supermarket job in high school.
- Once I was smashed at a rave and I made out with this dude in a black t-shirt. I went to the bathroom and when I came back, there were 2 people in black t-shirts but one of them was a chick. They both came up to me and we were all dancing, chatting and a little too touchy feely and to this day; I don’t know if I made out with guy or a girl.
- I have friends I’ve never met sober.
- My friend was living in a 2 bedroom place in a new area. We decided it would be funny to advertise to find a tenant for the spare room just so we could meet some new people but had absolutely no intention of renting out the room. We held interviews then eventually told prospective applicants that she decided not to rent it out as she needed the extra space. We still managed to gain a group of relatively dero male friends from the scheme, albeit for a short period of time.
- I once went on a date with a guy who wasn’t allowed to enter the USA for 10 years. For legal reasons.
- My friend’s housemate was a real dick. He had this chocolate car that he’d received for a present which he didn’t eat and instead kept it on display in his room. When he was out one day, we took the car, ate 98% of it then melted the remaining 2% of chocolate and poured it into the car shaped plastic which it was encased in. It created a very thin layer of chocolate shell but looked like the chocolate car was still in there. We put it in the fridge to set, then back into the display box and onto his shelf.
- I once swore at my grandma’s cat. It looked up at me so cute and innocently and made me feel so guilty that I felt sick. I later fed it my share of smoked salmon to apologise.
- Many years ago, I went to a new colleague’s birthday celebration at a nightclub. I got quite drunk on absinth and said something extremely graphic to her about a hot dude at her gathering. As it happens, the hot dude was her brother and I got the feeling she didn’t approve as she stopped talking to me shortly thereafter.
- I once purchased an outrageously inappropriate gift for an office Secret Santa. When the gift was opened, the room fell completely silent with the exception of a few ‘oh my god’s’ and everyone looked embarrassed. A few people even came up to me afterwards to say ‘gross’ and ‘what is wrong with some people?’ which I just played along with. I’ve never misjudged a crowd reaction so colossally and I’ve NEVER told anyone it was me who bought it.
As it turns out, coming up with 36 confessions was surprisingly easy, in fact, I could have given you 100. See, they weren’t that bad. Jokes! I’m going to hell.
Happy New Year, guys! Here’s to an amazing, healthy and prosperous 2016 for all. Hopefully you cause significantly less trouble this year than I have in my lifetime.