You sandbaggin’ son of a bitch!
I love me a wedding and quite frankly, who doesn’t?! It is one of the very few occasions as an adult that you get to get all prettied up, wear a nice outfit and be with your nearest and dearest all day. Sure they all end up in the same way: drunken and disorderly, but there were a few hours (much earlier on in the day) where you looked and felt respectable. And that is rare, and that is special.
Of course there are many fun events that go down before a wedding in the engagement, various parties, hens/bucks nights etc. When I find out a friend has gotten engaged, I go through the same stages every time:
1. Euphoric happiness. Oh my goodness my friend’s getting married! How exciting! That’s fantastic! I’m so happy for them!
2. Reflection and loneliness. This stage is not dissimilar to the fourth stage of the seven stages of grief. The come-down if you will. Hmmm. Ahh fuck. So I’m going to die alone. That is definitely happening. Fuuuuuuck! That’s the worst!
3. Acceptance and hope. Also unintentionally derived from the seven stages of grief. My friend’s getting married and that is awesome, they are a beautiful couple. I’m still young and maybe I too, will find that special someone one day who also wants to spend the rest of their life with me, or at least is decent enough to propose when he knocks me up. And if that happens to be Andy Allen (last year’s winner of Australian Masterchef) then so be it.
4. Euphoric happiness again. Oh my goodness my friend’s getting married!
So let’s switch focus back to the topic of weddings. Here are some things you might need to consider when attending a wedding. Of course everything is a given, it just might be overwhelming for some to acknowledge all the imperative factors at once.
Be respectful. Wherever the ceremony is (obviously), but especially when in a church. You may not be religious, but others there might be. Something I really have to watch when I’m in a church is my swearing. I swear a lot, it is who I am and not even Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour can change that. So if you’re like me, watch your filthy, atheist mouth. Also, don’t wear some wildly inappropriate dress that shows too much boob (especially if you’re stacked). It is a wedding, not downstairs Mooseheads* on a Saturday night. (*infamous Canberra nightclub)
Mingling. Be friendly to everyone there and try and introduce yourself to as many people as you can. Don’t be antisocial and mope in the corner if your ex is there and you still love him but he doesn’t love you (this is probably why he doesn’t love you in the first place you gay bitch – take your emotional, wine reeking self, the fuck home).
Food. Eat all the food you are served. It was expensive. Wedding food is always going to be of a very high calibre and the meal you are eating has been carefully picked out by the bride and groom. Don’t be complaining because you don’t like salmon because that statement is both ungrateful and offensive (everyone knows that salmon is the prime rib of the ocean).
Pulling. It is common knowledge that weddings are a great place to pick up if you’re single (not that I would know from experience lol) but there is even a whole movie about it – Wedding Crashers (which I took the title of this blog from). Not only is everyone more merry than normal from the flowing champers, singles might be feeling particularly vulnerable and therefore more willing to let go of their inhibitions. Some might call this “drunk and slutty”. Be wary though, everyone is dressed up and looking particularly fine and it might raise some pretty high and false standards of that person’s general appearance, meaning; you might end up bonking a minger.
You also have to really know who you are cracking onto, imagine the horror in realising you have been grooming the bride’s inappropriate uncle or the groom’s married sister all afternoon? I was sitting in the church at my friend’s wedding ceremony a few weeks ago, waiting for the arrival of the bride. I kept accidentally locking eyes with a guy on the groom’s side when turning around to check if the bride was coming. The extremely sharp angle of which I was turning my head at somehow managed to move my contact lens around and my vision would become blurry. I had to blink my eye to get the lens back into the correct spot which of course looked like I was winking at him. He was sitting with a girl too so it actually looked like I was a dirty little home wrecker, batting my lids at a taken man all in the house of God (again, I am an atheist, but that couple might not have been). I definitely wasn’t hitting on him, but I did feel the story was relevant to the topic in question.
Dancing. Do dance as much as you can – it is fun and adds a delightful touch to the ambience of the room. Do not, however, show off. If you have seen me on the d-floor before, you know that I take pride in my flawless dance moves which are married together by my impeccable timing, sharp, clean movements, never ending creativity and undeniable flexibility. I always dance at a 10. Except for weddings when I dance at about a 6. If you are also gifted with the art of dance, I suggest you do so as well. It is hard at first, but don’t be selfish – it is not YOUR day.
Then there’s the alcohol. Ohh free alcohol, you are as beautiful as you are enticing and rare. Make sure you take advantage of the free booze because like the food, it cost the bride and groom a lot of money. Whilst it is very easy to get carried away when there is an open bar, you have to remember: it is not just a party it is also a wedding and you are lucky that you mean enough to the bride and groom to be there. There are going to be young and old people at this wedding so you have to remain relatively appropriate. You don’t want to be forever known as the drunk bitch from the singles table who spewed on the d-floor when “Love Shack” was playing (you know, the one who went home alone). Also this might be the first time you have met the families of the bride and groom, so don’t be a shithead.
That’s about it for now. Maybe I’ve helped you with your wedding etiquette in some way but probably not lol. Until next time.
A shout out to my beautiful friend Sarah and her lovely partner Tim who were the inspiration of this blog entry and are tying the knot this Friday. Also to my newlywed friends, Peter and Jaycel, and even newer newlyweds, Hayley and Tavis.