Hola senoritas (and the male equivalent of senoritas). If you’re reading this, presumably we’re friends on facey which means you probably know I am no longer unemployed (THANK FUCK). That, together with the fact that I’ve had a couple of my mates come and visit me the last few weekends means that I have once again found myself neglecting the ol’ blog but I’m here now and I’m sure part way through reading this piece of shit entry, you’ll be wishing I wasn’t.
I have been settling nicely into my new job though and adjusting back into a routine that is no longer identical to the television guide. I both relish and take pride in a deposit into my bank account that doesn’t contain the word ‘Centrelink’ in the description. Upon realising I had gotten my first pay last week I actually got shivers, the same kind of shivers you get when you’re getting a head massage, scratching your armpits (don’t knock it until you try it) or in the middle of some pretty intense foreplay. Of course I immediately used 80% of my pay on bills and debt but still #money #youngmoney #highroller#BALLA #I swear I’ll never do that again.
Whilst I am enjoying being back at work and quite like my new job, I am still adjusting to my new role and all the little quirks of my new environment. Whether you’re CEO, middle man, a graduate, or like me and have climbed the corporate ladder from shit kicker all the way to butt hole licker, everyone experiences office dynamics on a daily basis so I have made my post today about the same.
First things first; stationery. Step inside any office and you will know that stationery is not just paper and pens; it’s the backbone of any organisation. It plays a vital role in the function of the office and speaks volumes about the general morality of your colleagues. If someone has stolen your stapler, they’re a deceitful, disorganised arse hole. It’s not just as simple as stealing it back from them when they’ve gone to lunch either because then they will know that you’re just as petty as they are. What you need to do is order a better stapler, and if the office budget won’t allow that, then bring one from home. This shows maturity in that you rose above the potential for conflict and now have bigger and better plans. Take that you filthy thief; hope you and my shitty old stapler have a great life together.
Smoko’s. Depending on your line of work these are generally frowned upon from non-smoking colleagues. If you do smoke be cautious because there will probably be some annoying and bored people in your office that will be very vocal about their negative feelings towards it and the super bored ones may even start some kind of equality petition. BUT if your boss smokes; hello private and regular bonding sesh. Just picture it: you, your boss and a packet of Marlboro Light’s, confiding in each other, being there for each other and sharing laughter and friendship. Winning.
Laughing at jokes. It is likely that your superiors are going to be of a slightly older age group so be prepared for a stack of dad jokes, which, if you value your position, you are going to have to laugh at. This has always come naturally to me because I genuinely believe that dad jokes are the epitome of hilarity; pulling one’s finger is always going to be funny because it involves farts and farts are funny in any language – and don’t you forget it. If you don’t laugh regularly then you might come across as snobby and unapproachable which is not ideal.
Making tea and coffee. If you’re making yourself a tea or coffee you should offer to make at least the person who sits next to you one too – it’s just polite. The more people you make tea/coffee for, the better as you will acquire a reciprocated tea/coffee agreement where they will make them for you too. Depending on the size of the office though, this can get out of hand pretty quickly so just know where the line is between being polite and being impractical.
Coffee runs. These are so important to keep the peace and ensure a smooth running office. If you have gone on a coffee run, do not – ever – ask for someone to pay you back – its $3.50 you cheap bitch. If the person doesn’t pay you back voluntarily they will get you back next time and if they don’t, take note so you can hit them where it hurts – Friday night drinks ‘…well I’ve gotten your coffee the last few times so I’ll have a [$20] Long Island Iced Tea, thanks.’
Eating at your desk. It’s inevitable – you need sustenance to get through the day. Just be prepared that the moment someone hears the rustling plastic of a chip packet opening, or walks past you mid-chew, you’re going to have to share or at least offer (despite it being a snack which indicates a small portion size, suitable for only one). Refrain from saying what you really think, which is probably something like:
‘Mother fucker are you kidding? I’m on a 1200 calorie a day diet and I’m hungry as balls. I have been looking forward to this tiny handful of peanuts since 2pm. I haven’t even seen you all day but I whip my snacks out and sure enough there you fucking are. I barely have enough energy to respond to you let alone extend my arm bearing snacks. Fine. Have some fucking peanuts but until the favour can be returned, you have left a bad taste in my mouth – which thanks to you, is not the taste of peanuts.’
Instead, try responding with ‘sure’ or ‘of course’. The addition of enthusiasm or a smile is optional but don’t worry too much if you can’t force yourself to do so, your pessimism can be masked as stress from your workload.
Knowing when to bite your tongue. When you don’t know a person very well and there is a gap in the conversation it can be kind of uncomfortable. Learn to embrace the silence and don’t just speak for the sake of it. Once I was making a cuppa in the office kitchen and my boss came in to make his own coffee. We exchanged a few niceties then the conversation ended when I was in possession of the sugar. I asked if he wanted me to pass it to him which he declined and I then replied with “sweet enough already?” with one of the creepiest grin and eyebrow-raise combinations you would ever come across. He was shocked and taken aback by this and didn’t know how to respond so I was forced to avoid him for the rest of the day and that accidental piece of sexual harassment has haunted me ever since.
Dressing appropriately. Ladies; I’m talking to you. Tits and thighs? No one wants to see that shit…fine that’s a lie, the men of the office do, but it’s unprofessional and inappropriate and you will get talked about behind your back. They say to dress for the position you want not the position you have so unless the position you want is bent over the photocopier with Daniel from head office, then you should probably leave that super tight white dress for another occasion.
Sexual tension. Every office or indeed workplace is riddled with it and everyone experiences it at some point. If not internally with a colleague, then there will be other outlets such as the hottie from the neighbouring office or the marketing contractor. IT guys are also popular sex objects. It is usually limited to fantasy as most people are married or in serious relationships but everyone knows that when tension is unresolved it can blow up at the most unexpected times. You have to try your hardest not to stare at their crotch/lips/boobs whilst imagining playing naked Twister with them and focus on what they are actually saying. It’s hard work.
I’m now super tired and the quality of this entry is not going to improve so I’m just going to wrap it up now but just for funsies, try seeing if you can spot the following stereotypes at your office:
The baker. There is always someone who brings in baked treats and that person is pretty well loved by all. The dieters tend to resent that person but come 3pm when they need a sugar hit and BAM those diet conscious ball bags come crawling back. Haven’t quite cracked the surface of your colleagues yet? Perhaps you should seriously consider this position.
Arch nemesis. You know that person who stole your stapler? Yeah, that fuckwit.
The sleaze. Wandering eyes? Inappropriate comments? Innuendo disguised as small talk? I give you; the office sleaze. And if you’re thinking there is no one like that in your office, then you’re it.