After a 3 year hiatus, I have decided to get back into my blogging with something slightly different to my previous posts. Considering we have just rolled over into a new year, I thought that – in the most sacrilegious way possible – I would share some confessions with you which in turn, would give me a clean slate for the new year. I figured it would be much more fun than reading a generic list of New Year’s resolutions, plus, people love hearing saucy and incriminating shit.
I must warn you that some readers may find portions of the following text disturbing. Hell, even the writer found portions of it disturbing but found solace in the fact that these confessions are largely historical – which is something you too should consider before judging me or calling the police. PSYCH – they’re not that bad.
I do cite many a friend in this list but I have decided to keep their names anonymous out of respect for them. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado I bring you my 36 confessions for 2016.
- Sometimes when I’m on the train or tram, I pretend to look out the window but I am actually just staring at myself in the window reflection and pouting.
- In high school, my friend and I baked a cake to sell at charities day and laced it with laxatives.
- When I was still living in Canberra, my friend and I drove to Sydney after work to have a big night in Kings Cross. We had initially intended to sleep in the car on the side of the road and drive back in the morning but one of her friends came along as deso (designated driver to all the non Aussie readers) and drove us back in the wee hours whilst we were sleeping/shitfaced. They dropped me home about 7am; I showered/ had a cheeky vom then went to work and made it through the whole day. I alluded to my colleagues that I had the runs and had to keep going to the bathroom regularly where I would take a nap by sitting on the loo with the cover down and use the toilet paper as a pillow. I’d set the alarm on my phone so I could have a 5 minute nap then go back into the office. I did this every half hour for the entire day.
- I hate summer and by summer I mean any temperature over 30 degrees Celsius.
- In college, I didn’t want to go to class one day but couldn’t be bothered leaving the house to wag and my dad was home at the time. Instead, I laid underneath my bed in silence for at least 4 hours then casually emerged sometime after lunch and said I had just returned from school.
- When I was 18, my friend and I came out of a club very drunk and went into a 7/11 type shop to buy a snack. We thought we heard the shop assistants say something rude about us so we refused to pay for the meat pies in our hands then attempted to leave the store. They tried to grab the pies off of us so we threw them as far as we could onto the adjacent road and ran away. About 30 minutes later we were still hungry so went to the road, located the [now smashed] pies, still in their wrappers…then ate them.
- I had dinner with a friend in London and purposely did a runner on the bill.
- I tell everyone that I met one of my good friends travelling Europe but we actually met on the internet, on a find a travel buddy website.
- I once got so drunk I got arrested and spent the night in the drunk tank at Civic (Canberra city) police station.
- In kindergarten I peed my pants twice in one day. Once school was done, my mum came to pick me up and I gave her a plastic bag full of piss soaked clothing. She asked “why are there 2 sets of clothes in here?” and I got embarrassed, started crying and had to tell her I’d wet my pants twice that day.
- One night, my friend who had a girlfriend hit on me at a party. Later that evening, his aforementioned girlfriend also hit on me (very seriously). They are still together.
- Once, my friend and I purchased some fast food. We were frugal high school students at the time so thought we’d put some of my hair into the food then take it back, complain and get a refund or free shit in return. It worked and we got a bunch of free food from them apologising.
- At one of my office jobs, I accidentally farted really loudly at my desk. A few of my colleagues heard and one of them jovially questioned “was that a fart?” I successfully managed to convince them it was my chair by responding very sarcastically with “ohhh yeeeaaaaah, I just came out of the bathroom, where I could have farted in private but decided I had better wait and share this one with my work mates….it was obviously my fucking chair”. Obviously, it was not.
- One time this guy who was generally pretty awful, said something particularly nasty to me. Conveniently, I found myself at his place not long after the incident, made my way to his bathroom and peed into his bottle of shampoo/body wash combination.
- I was in India on a yoga holiday at the start of last year, staying in a hut on the beach. My hut became infested with a mouse and lizard which is obviously fucking terrifying so I snuck off and stayed at the 5 star hotel on the next beach over and didn’t tell anyone and I don’t know why because I wasn’t ashamed.
- When I was drunk at a friend’s wedding, I tried to make a 13 year old relative of theirs smoke, drink and told them to let me know if they wanted any illegal substances because “they’re not that hard to find”. I was completely horrified when I remembered this the next day.
- I once got so drunk I got my stomach pumped. After it happened, the first thing I remember was sitting in a waiting room and a lady kept calling my name. By this point I’d realised I was in the hospital and thought ‘how embarrassing, I’m going to pretend that’s not me’ so kept looking at all the other people in the room when she called out. After a while I figured out that she knew it was me so finally got up, signed something and then she told me I was free to go.
- I went on a Tinder date with a dude solely because he had one of the cutest puppies I’ve ever seen. Shame he was a cock in person.
This post is pretty long already so to be continued…